Bored Kitty

Hey, just a heads up.. check out my Android site at http://digitaldisbeliever.net/

And so I have come to see that I am raising a fine young man. “Don’t let anyone make you feel that way, Mom. Screw that, you don’t need that.” He and I have been talking about so much over the last few weeks. He makes me feel amazing on the inside.
The truest moment was when he said to me that he does want to stay clean and make the right decisions… he just needs help motivating. That is when I made a commitment to him. As long as he has it in his heart to make the good choices, I will be there for him to help get things going.

We have really become a mother son duo who can count on one another with the right words when we need them. More on this later. He is standing here waiting for food. Thats my cue..

So today I wake up with an idea… to check through all of my calendars and logs and reaffirm what little voice is screaming in the back of my head… and I keep ignoring. It is easier to just kick myself in the face with insecure blame than to tap into that strength.

I should have listened to the little voice all along… Bless the information age where computers and smart phones keep track of everything- I wish I would listen to the voice a little more often, before I allow myself to self doubt.

Damn myself for allowing it to happen so easily! Steph was point on with her insight…

I found a renewed strength this morning. sometimes gain appears as loss until you have learned its weight, its value and its lesson.

For those truest and deepest over the years- mine grows truer and deeper,  never exploiting weaknesses  and we will continue to grow alongside for many more to come.

It used to be a bad thing- that no one read this site..  I wanted to share my poetry and such… I wanted to share my thoughts..   Now, it is probably a good thing people don’t read.  I don’t write very often- and it is a good place to publicly and anonymously express myself all at once.

I thought I met someone fantastic… though it was seemingly very short lived.  What a bittersweet emotion.  The joy of intrigue and connection and the sadness of loss all at once.  I really can’t explain it..

hah and I run out of words again.

Entirely too many thoughts that I really can’t put into words.  I think I have lost my touch.

in one rotation I found intrigue.. the drive to think- to connect.. fleeting here and gone as quick, or so it seems.. reflect..

there was a time when I would write at each free moment, in hopes my language familiar to your soul.. How fleeting the moment feeling
a kindrid kind..blood as blood should be…
but here and gone again.. I stand empty handed.. spoken half a thought, in mid sentence gone like a puff of smoke in a magicians parlor trick.
my whispers are low but echo empty rooms..

Over the last ten or so years men have evolved quite a bit when it comes to the process of gift giving. Gone are the days of wrapping a ribbon around a new washing machine or vacuum cleaner. This is the decade of diamonds and silk. Certainly there are still those who will mask their own desires into a nice big bow-laden big screen TV for her but that is certainly progress from kitchen kitsch, don’t you think? We can be a little forgiving here, can’t we ladies?

Trust me, sometimes- the big screen TV is a much desired alternative to some of the things I have witnessed. Take the case of my own parents. Now, not to give my pops too much heat here, as he has been quite the jewelry jedi over the last few years, but what I witnessed over the Christmas holiday shows that even the best intentions can wind you up in the dog house if you aren’t careful.

My father braves the chaotic crowds at the local malls every Christmas season to find my mother the perfect piece of jewelry to add to her collection. During his last journey through mall madness he fell victim to the predatory center aisle kiosk clerks when he made the biggest mistake known to shop-a-holics world wide. He made eye contact.

Ladies we all know there are two people you do NOT make eye contact with at the mall. The center kiosk clerks and the survey takers. I know I have probably offended someone here, and that isnt my intention. Everyone has to get paid, I understand that. But if you fit into one of those two categories you most certainly have felt the pain of diverted looks and fake phone calls as you desperately try to hunt your next victi.. uh.. client. Folks, I work in sales… I have the right to jest here. I digress.

Once eye contact was made, it was all over. “Please sir, try our lotion?” as she holds out the little packet just about to launch a glob of whatever it is she is selling onto his hand. My father is never one to be rude to a pretty lady, feeling rather trapped in the situation obliged her and gave her what was supposed to be just a second of his time. Now I wasn’t there to witness the story myself, but after hearing the events unfold in my fathers story I felt it just had to be shared. At some point in the sampling process, the sales woman was able to put the creme on my fathers face, around his eye and apparently either she or one of her counterparts buffed out one of his fingernails with their little nail shine buffer gimmick.

When she completed one eye, and the fingernail.. he was taken. hook-line and sinker. She asked “What do you think?” His response… “I think you need to do the other eye” So apparently the product was good. Really good. Good enough that my father felt it necessary to buy it for Mom. This is where an already sad story becomes tragic. Look guys… we understand that your intentions can be totally pure and you think “wow, shes always talking about how she hates the lines around her eyes, and this stuff REALLY WORKS!! She would LOVE this!!” and while you might be right, and the product may be fabulous- the only thing she is going to read into it is “Oh my god he thinks I look old” and if she is REALLY paranoid it might translate to “He is going to leave me for a younger woman!” and you just might find your chicken salad sandwich an odd hue of green with a scent that reminds you of a recent mall visit.

Leave the beauty products to her. Let her discover the fountain of youth, or grow old naturally. But steer clear of these types of gifts.

Luckily my parents have been married for coming up on 43 years and an occasional absent minded gift with good intentions can be forgiven. Don’t count on this being the norm. This is definitely the exception to the rule.

(Find more of my articles on http://driverissingle.com )

I think I have been so consumed with the BS going on in my life – I haven’t taken a second to breathe.
Work work work work work. I feel like a doozer..

…and then things started getting weird. A few weeks back, while at work.. my face and hands went completely numb. When I looked up at the queue to call the next name, I couldn’t make out what I was looking at. When I would look at faces, it was as if someone forgot to give them features… I could see people… there were no black holes.. but I could not process eyes, noses, mouths… and in the back of my mind, I could feel a dull ache.

I believe it was at that point, I went to my boss and tried my best to explain what I was experiencing and walked to his office to sit in the quiet. I had some water, and tried to regain some focus but it just wasn’t happening. From what I recall, I called my brother and told him I couldn’t see, and needed a ride home. He was busy doing something so I called Ray. Or maybe I sent him a txt… or actually I think Erin sent him one… I dont remember but I know he is the one who showed up to get me.

My eyes must have been watering because Ray jokes that I looked like Alice Cooper.. But I don’t really recall the details. I know I came home and slept for a good number of hours.

I haven’t felt 100 percent since then.

a couple weeks ago, I woke up at some point- crying in agony. My shoulder was slightly dislocated and my jaw was clinched so tight it hurt. I was very lost… after straightening my shoulder and taking something to put myself to sleep… and waking up later.. I knew I was postictal. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postictal_state )

It was a couple days before I had my bearings somewhat back in order. Again, I am still not 100% .
I have had a very hard time concentrating, and words dont seem to process right. In my head, they seem right, but they certainly don’t come out in the right order- and sometimes words elude me entirely. Simple words..

I don’t know where I put something five minutes after I put it somewhere. I make lists to keep track of things, and lose the lists. I get overwhelmed in situations that require attention.. I set reminders and ignore or cancel them and my shoulder still hurts!! Two days ago, just listening to myself try to have a conversation was a struggle.. broken sentences and incomplete thoughts.. I felt distracted by my own confusion, it has been frustrating.

I have always been fascinated, and driven by brain power. Functional thought processes, contemplative creative writing, expression.. etc. So something like this… that might take this away from me or make me incompetent – or struggle so hard just to find words to explain how I feel- where they used to flow like liquid from my lips and fingertips.. scares the everliving fucking hell out of me.

It has taken sooo much focus and forced discipline to be able to write THIS post.. and it has been in segments. I feel weak..shakey.. and stupid. and fucking scared.

Yes, I called my doctor. Yes, I have seen him. (My neurologist) and Yes we are looking into this. What a nightmare it has been to make sure I schedule all of these tests. I feel so stupid.

Yesterday I completed some basic mental/physical exercises .. Today I did blood work to check my medicine levels.. tomorrow is an eeg. Some day next week is my MRI.. I dont remember when but I will call and find out again. I dont know where I put it. and sometime a CT something I dont know. But we are doing a whole battery of tests.

The 26th is when we discuss the results.

I have changed the look here, and hopefully will be figuring out how to mesh my vision with my technical skill… and time management… to build the site I WANT to build.

For those that DO visit here from time to time, I appreciate your comments… and read them all… Much love to you

Incredible how we can spend soooo much of our time with a whole lot of nothing. I have friends who have moved so far away that we don’t see one another much anymore. Wait, What am I saying? I have LOCAL frends who I don’t see anymore. Our only means of communication seems to be these public (im)personal posts on Livejournal, Twitter, Facebook, and Myspace. Some, so incredibly impersonal that they are limited to invites to play farm games or a random ‘poke’.

What irks me (and I am guilty of this myself) is how long it takes to respond to a personal message. I realized this morning that I had inboxes backed up everywhere. Tagged emails with long overdue reminders to reply and notes to write to so and so about this and that.

What have I been filling my time with.. that is SO important that I cant spend five minutes to write a quick note and let those I care about know I care? Have I accomplished world peace? Tripled my salary? fought hunger? No. Have I done anything worth noting that would occupy my time so much as to cause my silence? I cant THINK of anything that stands out. I know that my job is working me to death and my home life does keep me busy.. but I cant imagine there isn’t SOME time in there to share…

I guess I am just sayin’… publicly.. and impersonally… I miss the personal communication.

hey, I never claimed I was good at this.

Love you guys.

I think somewhere along the line, my blog lost direction. Perhaps with too many social outlets, the lines blurred and I lost focus. At one point, I had my marketing blog- which housed all of my articles regarding marketing on the web.. now that this is not so new and groundbreaking, that fell by the wayside.. and I grew bored writing the same reworded articles each time a new internet idea/concept/media was released. One article can sum it all up… if it is available to you, use the hell out of it in marketing. period.
I also had my creative writing blog… I hope I don’t need to explain this much more than to say that I write creatively and logged it on the web. (I don’t claim to write the most interesting or well written creative material… but I blogged it anyway).
I had my people-watching ISPY blog… where I would sit in a public place… and pick out a person or two around me.. I Would write as if I were said person/people.. creating their story based on their actions and body language…

I had my tech writing/review blog… my day to day journal of my thoughts over at LJ…

Obviously with all of these .. I couldn’t keep up.. and one by one they all stagnated.. and were abandoned. Not for my lack of desire to write, but to the contrary, I wanted to write so much, I burned myself out. I wasn’t happy just writing reviews.. or just writing for marketing… or.. just.. any of it.. but all of it was just too much…

SO… What now? What direction will this blog take? What will I fill this site with? I have no idea.. I would like to have some sort of format.. some expectation set so that I can gain an audience who knows what to expect here and comes back with interest to read.. but I have yet to decide just what that will be.

I guess this was just a really long post about being undecided as to what to blog about…

reminds me of a typical Seinfeld episode…

The weekend flew by incredibly fast!  You know what they say….    so I wont bother repeating it.  Something about clocks and wings anyway… 

I had a great time at LessConf (http://lessconf.lesseverything.com/) and met a lot of really awesome people! Some of which I didn’t want to give back!   Most certainly intrigued by awesome brain power, and it was a great distraction from the mundane nonsense going on here… or lack of “going on here”  if that makes any sense at all.    Now I have no idea what in the hell I am going to do with the next week.  I should probably spend it working on the DiS project, and enhancing my geekiness…   take advantage of the time off.  (snuck in some vacation from my day job)  .. I have a few other concepts I want to research…  ever feel like you have too much to do and nothing to do all at the same time?

I think I am still high off of having so many geeks in one place…  *swoons*

…I wish I could tell you. I visited a blog today that has inspired me to write again, and I have these thoughts that I want so much to express… but each time I begin a sentence… I delete it. It isn’t quite what I want to say. It isn’t quite how I want to say it.

The worst part of expressive writing is when your stream of thought is interrupted by word organization. Anyone who writes for release knows what I mean.

You want to create a masterpiece out of your own emotions, perfectly enshrining them in words, paragraphs of empathy, sympathy, pain love and hope.. to share in hope that someone else out there is touched, understands.. relates…

*takes a deep breath*

But if what you create isn’t exactly what you are trying to say, if what is understood isn’t what you desire to express… it can get frustrating.

If you’ve got the climb, but you just can’t pin the chorus… you have the hook and the riff falls flat, the song isn’t complete.

So while I have something I really want to express… I have yet to figure out just how I want to say it.. so instead- I have left you with this..

much ado, I tell you.  Much ado.

Today Craig and I decided to change things up a bit.  Rather than our typical Starbucks meetup, we changed venue to Chilis.   I arrived a good bit before he did, and decided to play on my Storm to keep myself occupied while waiting for his arrival.

I clicked on my Ubertwitter icon, and nothing happened.  I looked at the status of my connections and to my detriment shockingly i panicked realized that my data connection was lost.

Being a Blackberry user for many years I did the first logical thing, a battery pull.  Three years Three minutes later, my storm was back up and still, no data.

So I sat,  and waited.  With nothing. to. do…

..

…

….

When Craig arrived I checked HIS Blackberry and data was fine.  *pissy exhale*

…and he and I got to discussing…  or rather… reminiscing…

Remember when the only handhelds we had to take with us anywhere were Speak ‘n’ Spell, The little Professor, or Mattel electronic football with the red dashes?

Remember when we had to use PAY phones to get ahold of someone if we were out and about?  If we called and they were on the phone we got an obnoxious busy signal!  (remember emergency breakthroughs?) Oh my god and IMAGINE a world without caller ID!!   “call me. Let it ring twice, then call back so I know it is you”

Oh wow, and Online?  I remember getting made fun of because I logged in.  There were no pictures on ‘web’ pages unless we downloaded them from a BBS.. which took eons… pissed our parents off for tying up the line and when they picked up the other extension to make a call, our connection dropped.

TELEPHONES HAD CORDS!  (sometimes I wish they still did.  Telling someone I have to go because I am headed out the door just does not work like it used to.)  Remember dial tones?

Oh and instant messengers.  When it started, it was split screen chat…  I remember the loose moose BBS…  Wolves Den…  CountZ… Lighthouse.. WWIV and Synchronet…   L.O.R.D and TradeWarz.. we could chat with ONE other person at a time.. leave messages..  and read forums.    When DOVE net came out, we could share forums across other BBS’s …   yeah I am probably getting too techie for some of ya… but I am reminiscing here.  But still, we werent as ‘connected’ as we are now.

I remember when Baudville BBS, Rainforrest and Variations came out… WOW .. MULTInode BBSs…  sometimes there were 20 people online!!!!!  But it was always limited to how many phone lines the owner (sysop) leased.  But you still had to wait and hope that you and your friend would log in at the same time…   and you still had to tie up a phone line to chat.  Oh and if all the phone lines were full, your modem got a busy signal too.  Oh yes. Modems. remember those?  Good ole analog dialup modems.

and there, I sat… at chilis… disappointed that my Cellphone/digital camera/internet connection/file downloader /mp3player device would not connect to the internet so I could check my facebook/twitter.

I wonder where we will be in another twenty years….

I would really like to find forever…

Woke up this morning and my immediate thought was “PAY THE BILLS”.. gah.  I have been putting that off for a while.. I don’t even have any reason why.  So before the not so little people wake up. . . I did my financials..

Not sure what I am going to do with the rest of my day.  I have pleny of things that need to be done or that I want to get done..  Just not sure if today will be that day.

I hope today is better than yesterday.

http://www.yodj.com/search/puff-the-magic-dragon/1/

it begins

Fell asleep in purgatory, woke up in lothlorien

I am not sure what is worse.. the fact that I have a profile on this dating site.. or some of the jackass profiles I read…

“likes the beach, the moon and stares”

What?!?!

I am (with the help of my most wonderful host Craig) trying to get it set up so that other people can post entries.. sooo be patient, its coming.. for whatever its worth.  . .

Just a little bit fucking annoyed.  Perhaps I need a bubble.  A little discouraging…  no. a lot discouraging.

I need… something…

I am wearing spots and stripes today.  I am such a rebel.

Where is the rythm? The tempo chaotic and I don’t know what key

we are in now.  I think Ive forgotten the notes to this song..

what happened to my balance?

..allegro.. con calore.. molto Prestossimo

The conductor has stepped down…

…ad libitum..

articulation is lost.. complete atonality..

//

Restring. Retune. Refine. Resound

CON SPIRITO.. CON SPIRITO!!!!

con spirito?

Nothing special.  Pulled a long shift..  Had a late light dinner.. and worked out..  Not as hard.. its late and I have a meeting first thing in the AM…  but I did some, just to maintain the routine.

‘Spoke’ to Clint for a bit..  its been a while! *insert stupid giggle here*

Tried to get off work in time to have dinner with a friend but that didn’t turn out in my favor.  shit happens, eh?  11 hours no break.

Skyler seemed to think He was doing a photoshoot While I was getting ready for work, so I promised him I would post a picture somewhere on the net…. this seems the most logical place.. no one comes here.

edit: ok I was testing out the photo thing and for some reason I posted 2 pics here.   Odd.

edit part duex:  I will try to take random pics from time to time and make use of this feature.

See how boring today was?

Brilliance…. bonds.. blurs and breaks borders .. happy haiku hovering hopelessly discovers.. dips.. dances and dives.

Curious questions quietly culminating quest for knowledge.. forever forgotten feeling forever found, forever ‘gotten  and standing ground

innocent ideas instigate intensified intrusive idioms..

reaching resisting recoiling rebound.. defaning whisper then silence resound…  Brilliance..  bonds..broken.. did the dumb hum dissuade you?

dig deeper..digging.. developing.. drumming.. a rythm .. humming.. dont despair.. dont dissuade.. dont disappear.. discover.

discover.. depth..

Speak to me that I might hear my own voice and better understand what I am trying to say to you..

Today was a little more stressful than i had hoped. I have been organizing and prioritizing certain things.. Trying to figure out how to make the things happen that I really want.. realizing that some things just aren’t possible, no matter how much it promotes complete internal transformation and growth.

Trying to keep things I don’t want to happen- at bay. This is harder than I imagined- especially when third parties are involved… even with all of the careful and strategic planning it could turn out to be a nightmare for us.

I really hope it was nothing. I hope I never hear word of it again. I have tried too hard to make sure this DOES NOT HAPPEN over the last damn near 10 years.

So today.. to boil it down to one or two sentences.. Things I want to happen aren’t and things I don’t want to happen- very well may be.

Time to do a few miles.. think… This is still the beginning.

Its amazing really, how many things in ones life that are connected. A sort of internal butterfly effect behind the scenes. One ‘wow’ moment… one deep recognition, the right one… can lead to so many realizations one right after another- a successive display of dominoes- one pushing the next at just the right angle and speed… and so on… the dominoes falling don’t have to represent one’s life “falling” apart but rather a perfect display of falling into place- ‘everything in perfect rythmn, everything in perfect motion’ resulting in a beautiful sense of completion… of calm.

I have spent a good number of years beating myself up over decisions and mistakes I have made in the past, because I felt like if I forgave myself- and let go, i didnt properly learn my lesson, and that I didnt deserve to heal or move on from these life events that I brought upon myself. Because of my inability to forgive myself, I constantly felt the pressure of judgment. I would imagine the world around me judging me for my mistakes… for my past. I would feel unworthy of the things that brought happiness into my life. This sort of emotional self attrition was magnified when I would allow people in my life to cast real judgment, and furthermore when I would allow that judgement to be absorbed rather than reflected.

Combine this already weakened spirit with the constant feeling of being a burden or a hassle with so much emotional and literal ‘baggage’ if you will- and you can begin to imagine my internal state of being. Sure, without a doubt I would march onward with the attitude that I can not break, I am a mother. I must keep going, my boys need me. What I failed to realize was that more than ever, I needed me. I could hear this whisper in the back of my mind telling me this, but I felt like acknowledging this would be selfish. That I was no longer here for me, but a dedication to complete motherhood. When I would cry over lonliness or fall head over heels for someone who couldnt possibly fit into my life (centered around family/Children) because I am a package deal… this would cause twofold negativity. One, I would feel even more ‘worthless’ because my past decisions seemed to yet again, keep me from moving on and finding happiness. Secondly I would feel that I didnt deserve to cry, for my total happiness should be found in my children and I shouldnt want/need for anything more. This effort to become selfless may sound noble but It was tearing apart the very fabric of my soul.

I would find myself reaching out to the wrong sort, possibly as a way to punish myself even further. Those who would insist that crying never helps, and is a sign of weakness. Those who would act in disgust at my need to reach out and understand, as if I were deserving of all of the pain and my attempt to heal was pathetic at best and I should just ‘get over it’.. This makes perfect sense because when you focus on and continue to think about certain things in life, you can cause that energy to materialize. If I continue to think of myself this way, I will surround myself with people who think of me like this, affirming my unhealthy views resulting in ‘my bicycle pedaling backward’.

The begining of my ‘wow’ moment materialized when I wrote about those who choose not to date others with children. Not that I felt any right to change that pattern of thought because it definately takes a certain type of person to foster a relationship with a child who isn’t their own- in any way- especially in the manner in which those are when in an intimate relatiohship with that childs parent. But moreover, trying to change someones mind in regards to such an important part of life that involves innocent children can end very badly for everyone involved. Its best to just walk away and accept it for what it is. Unless you are a glutton for punishment and can pretend that the children dont need to be involved, allowing your feelings to grow. Of course that can lead … nowhere.. and eventually you end up walking away chalking that broken heart up to lesson learned.

After facing this myself, I began to realize that my own actions were what enabled the feeling of being burdened with baggage. Had I walked away with a ‘Your loss’ statement- realizing the many wonderful moments this person would be missing out on- rather than thinking that I would be the one missing out, perhaps I could have saved myself the heartache and contempt. When I recognized this, the hurt vanished. I laughed under my breath and felt like I just shined light on a major part of my life. I looked around and realized the blessings I have and what amazing little minds I have in my boys. What loving and appreciative children I have raised and who are becoming bright and respectful young men.

I realized that I was not the one missing out when these things didnt work out. What I should have been gaining, or acknowledging was my own sense of accomplishment in my life. My own strength and my own passions. I should have long since let go of any self judgment because without all of the mistakes I have made, I would not have these three very wonderful young men, and without them my life would not be the same at all. I don’t want a different life at all. I just want to make some changes or improvments to the one I already have.

And so the first domino tips, and almost instantly everything else seems to fall into place. My own thoughts change, projecting positive energy and from that positive energy positive manifestations. a reconnection of friendships, a sense of calm, and thats just the beginning. Forgiving myself isnt something that happens overnight, but is a work in progress that reminds me that I am not just plain old me, or even less. But that I am an individual worthy of the wonderful things life has to offer.

Monday, July 24, 2006 
 
Quietly, I have been going through many changes. I have refocused my energy and am very pleased with the woman I am becoming.
I do believe that the greatest of my changes, and the enabler to my transformation is the ability to listen. Not just ‘hear’ but truly listen. To take from each word, or thought- a potential to learn and grow. And in the taking, I build. Thank you to so many who have aided in this process without even knowing.
I am building my life from the inside out.
Though I do still face some of the same troublesome obstacles that have been such a drain, I have learned how to balance them and allow myself to tackle these things from the most effective angle, rather than to look at the hurdles as impossibilities. To take a breath and realize that my life doesnt need fixing. I just need to start LIVING.

That realization is the beginning of my self acceptance. The ability to let go of the self condemnation for choices in the past and self affirmation for current choices, and those in the making is one of the most amazing feelings ever… and I have recently tasted its sweetness.

Having said that, I feel compelled to repost something I wrote a while ago, because now- more than ever .. it is most relevant.

Bound by our own doubts and insecurities sometimes we find ourselves entombed in metaphorical concrete. Held back by fear of failure, never lifting our feet off of the ground to test our wings. Even more extreme, plucking out the very feathers that would help us soar above our own dreams. I find myself in this self-imposed prison quite often, my hands reaching in the darkness, feeling lost and helpless.

SO many aspects of living can weigh heavily on ones shoulders, but the weight is ours to bear. I am learning that it is not how much weight one has been encumbered with, but how you carry the stones of burden that will ultimately decide whether or not you succeed.

It is common a common fault to exist in ones past. Defined by our failures throughout a lifetime, not able to overcome self-depreciation or judgment by others. Mistaking our own identity for what we have been through, not who we are. This misconception can break one right in half leaving a shattered spirit, barely enough to sustain life. I have been there.

Eventually I saw my own footprints in the worn in path I chose in life. It was then that I realized my journey took me in circles. I had made mistakes. I claimed them, I understood them but I did not allow myself to heal from them. I Convinced myself that I was not worthy of good things in life simply because I had not always chosen a good path. In this, I became the victim and the victimizer.

I perpetuated this cycle of wothlessness dizzying my own judgment and disintegrating my own self worth. I allowed the harsh discrimination of others to weigh heavily on my own image and began to see myself as a failure in almost every aspect of life.

I carried my own stones, but all in my hands. I felt I did not have the right to let go of the reminder. That if I did, I must not learned from them. Eventually my hands became full and my stones would tumble to the ground causing me to trip over them falling flat on my face. Hurriedly I would collect my stones and ‘bounce back’, marching along the way, continuing down my path.

Today, a miracle happened. I was awakened to a truth that I never realized. As I attempted to collect my stones, Weary of the path I knew lay ahead, I was given a gift. I was told that I dont have to ‘bounce back’ again, but rather, take a step upward; that I could progress onto a new path, leaving my worn circles behind.

Looking down into my calloused hands, I became aware that carrying all of these stones was simply impossible. I made a decision. Those bigger stones, the greater lessons in my life that changed me and made me a better woman, I placed in a satchel at my hip. The stones of lost loved ones who are with us no more, I placed in a pouch that hung over my heart. The stones of my current troubles I placed in a purse by my side, until I could work on them and distribute them appropriately. The stones that remained, I cast into the ocean. These were the stones of self-doubt, judgment and fear. These were the stones that weighed heavily on me and trapped me inside a concrete prison walking in circles.

So with a little guidance, and encouragement, I have decided on a new path. I will not let the judgment of others define my self image. That stone is at the bottom of the ocean. I will not allow my failures to rule me, restraining progress and inhibiting my dreams. That stone is also at the bottom of the ocean.

Though my path may not always be well defined, and my burden may become heavy, I think I have learned the importance of letting go of the past. I do deserve happiness. I am worthy of love… I will travel ..foward.

~S

also this poem.. in a book I was reading. This one was written by Edmund O’neill

Set yourself free from anything that might hinder you from becoming the person you want to be. Free yourself from the uncertainties about your abilities or the worth of your dreams, from the fears that you may not be able to achieve them or that they wont be what you wanted.

Set yourself free from the past. The good things from yesterday are still yours in memory; the things you want to forget, you will, for tomorrow is only a sunrise away. Free yourself from regret or guilt, and promise to live this day as fully as you can.

Set yourself free from the expectations of others, and never feel guilty or embarrassed if you do not live up to their standards. You are most important to yourself; live by what you feel is best and right for you. Others will come to respect your integrity and honesty.

Set yourself free to simply be yourself, and you will soar higher than you’ve ever dreamed.

Much love to you all…