I think I have been so consumed with the BS going on in my life – I haven’t taken a second to breathe.
Work work work work work. I feel like a doozer..
…and then things started getting weird. A few weeks back, while at work.. my face and hands went completely numb. When I looked up at the queue to call the next name, I couldn’t make out what I was looking at. When I would look at faces, it was as if someone forgot to give them features… I could see people… there were no black holes.. but I could not process eyes, noses, mouths… and in the back of my mind, I could feel a dull ache.
I believe it was at that point, I went to my boss and tried my best to explain what I was experiencing and walked to his office to sit in the quiet. I had some water, and tried to regain some focus but it just wasn’t happening. From what I recall, I called my brother and told him I couldn’t see, and needed a ride home. He was busy doing something so I called Ray. Or maybe I sent him a txt… or actually I think Erin sent him one… I dont remember but I know he is the one who showed up to get me.
My eyes must have been watering because Ray jokes that I looked like Alice Cooper.. But I don’t really recall the details. I know I came home and slept for a good number of hours.
I haven’t felt 100 percent since then.
a couple weeks ago, I woke up at some point- crying in agony. My shoulder was slightly dislocated and my jaw was clinched so tight it hurt. I was very lost… after straightening my shoulder and taking something to put myself to sleep… and waking up later.. I knew I was postictal. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postictal_state )
It was a couple days before I had my bearings somewhat back in order. Again, I am still not 100% .
I have had a very hard time concentrating, and words dont seem to process right. In my head, they seem right, but they certainly don’t come out in the right order- and sometimes words elude me entirely. Simple words..
I don’t know where I put something five minutes after I put it somewhere. I make lists to keep track of things, and lose the lists. I get overwhelmed in situations that require attention.. I set reminders and ignore or cancel them and my shoulder still hurts!! Two days ago, just listening to myself try to have a conversation was a struggle.. broken sentences and incomplete thoughts.. I felt distracted by my own confusion, it has been frustrating.
I have always been fascinated, and driven by brain power. Functional thought processes, contemplative creative writing, expression.. etc. So something like this… that might take this away from me or make me incompetent – or struggle so hard just to find words to explain how I feel- where they used to flow like liquid from my lips and fingertips.. scares the everliving fucking hell out of me.
It has taken sooo much focus and forced discipline to be able to write THIS post.. and it has been in segments. I feel weak..shakey.. and stupid. and fucking scared.
Yes, I called my doctor. Yes, I have seen him. (My neurologist) and Yes we are looking into this. What a nightmare it has been to make sure I schedule all of these tests. I feel so stupid.
Yesterday I completed some basic mental/physical exercises .. Today I did blood work to check my medicine levels.. tomorrow is an eeg. Some day next week is my MRI.. I dont remember when but I will call and find out again. I dont know where I put it. and sometime a CT something I dont know. But we are doing a whole battery of tests.
The 26th is when we discuss the results.