Rick Scott
- Cant stand the guy. He has done so many things I really don’t like- and I can tell you, I am not a left winger AT ALL., but no matter where on the political spectrum I find myself on any given day, it is NEVER standing next to Skeletor himself, Rick Scott. He is corrupt and self serving, in my opinion.

HOWEVER, I must offer my kudos or .. ataboy.. or whatever you want to call it- for TWO things he has most recently done that I personally agree with.

FIRST, He refuses to ban guns during the GOP convention in downtown Tampa. Backstory: The GOP convention is going to be held here, and all sorts of things are happening around here to prepare the city. Trivial litte things like Elephant statues and artwork in public places and the police being issued cammo style uniforms to more intrusive things like outdoor security cameras on our city streets.

But one thing that Mayor Bob Buckhorn was trying to make happen was a citywide ban on handguns. He said he was worried about the contentious nature of people during such a political convention and wanted to ensure safer streets around the rally. Sure. I get your point. But wouldn’t someone who has the mindset to break the law and shoot someone at such an event also negate to follow a gun carry law in the first place? I mean get real, the only people who you are punishing by taking away these rights are the law abiding citizens who have already been licensed to carry these weapons in the first place.

They are already making certain secure zones around the event gun free anyway. But all of downtown? Seriously?

We have a constitutional right to bear arms. enough with the “except” statements. it is what it is. Step off of the second ammendment and move on.

I absolutely LOVE what he said in response:

“You note that the City’s temporary ordinance regulates “sticks, poles, and water guns,” but that firearms are a “noticeable item missing from the City’s temporary ordinance.” Firearms are noticeably included, however, in the 2nd Amendment. The choice to allow the government to ban sticks and poles, but not firearms, is on that the People made in enacting their state and federal constitutions.

Like you, I share the concern that “violent anti-government protests or other civil unrest” can pose “dangers” and the “threat of substantial injury or harm to Florida residents visitors to the State.” But it is unclear how disarming law-abiding citizens would better protect them from the dangers and threats posted by those who would flout the law. It is at just such times that the constitutional right to self defense is most precious and must be protected from government overreach.”

Well Played, Governor Scott.  Well Played.

“Those who would give up essential liberty to purchase a little temporary safety, deserve neither liberty nor safety.”

oh yeah, there is a second point I want to make about Rick Scott.. I will get to that eventually…   the “second”.. part… 

…then I get busy..  I make a note to myself regarding the topics I want to write about in hopes I can get to it later. 

Later never seems to arrive,  the lists gets shuffled around with the bills I need to ‘get around to’ and eventually the fire burns out and it never gets written.

Not today. 

While I have many things I want to write about-  from the Martin/Zimmerman case, to the Rays and even the nutty lady from Nutley who bakes her skin beyond belief.. oh and I even have some kudos to give to Rick Scott (whodathunk? but I do!)   

None of those are what I want to write about right now.  (and I really hope I get to them) but right now, I want to write about Greg Schiano, Eric LeGrand and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers.

Now, I love sports- and I have always had love for the Bucs… after all of these years in Tampa its been a long bittersweet relationship- but they will always have a special place in my heart.  

Of course when I say I love sports, that does not mean I am some aficionado by any stretch.  Just that I enjoy the energy, the competition and the team spirit. 

Even though over the last year, I have been more focused on Major Leage Baseball and the Tampa Bay Rays,  I have not forgotten about my Tampa Bay Buccaneers.  (Hell I think that was probably one of the first words I learned how to spell- listening to my mother cheer enthusastically (or curse)  at the television screen on Sundays in my youth. B-U-C  C-A-N  E-E-R-S GO BUCS!) Orange and white were staple Sunday colors.  There was no fair weather fandom in my house.

So while my obsession with the Rays took up most of my “Sports Leisure time”  I couldn’t ignore that something was going on in the Buccaneer organization.   Not sure what exactly that something WAS, but I kept hearing stories about a paralyzed player being signed.

Without knowing any specifics, I was rather perplexed.  Was this a formerly paralyzed player that has since healed?  Was this a paralyzed former player that will be a coach of some sort?  I wasn’t sure,  but I kept neglecting to dig any further and like my posts, the story slipped my mind.   Until today.

I grabbed a copy of the TBT (My daily read) this morning and read an article titled “A Contract of Kindness.”  This was a short article clarifying some things that I did not previously understand.   To sum it up,  Eric LeGrand played for Rutgers (coached by Greg Schiano) and was paralyzed in 2010 from a spinal injury during a kickoff return.  This current NFL draft would have been LeGrands class, and he quite possibly would have been drafted into the NFL.  His Dream.  That dream was taken away from him that day in 2010.   He did not heal.  He can not play ball.  He was not being signed on as a coach.   Schiano signed LeGrand onto the Buccaneers team under a ceremonial contract.  

He is being sent a #52 Jersey and a Buccaneers helmet.  “This is something I have always dreamed about…” Eric responded. 

This story warmed my heart and decided to read more about it online, and what do I find?  Nay-sayers and negative nellys.  Responses and comments to articles where people accuse Schiano and the Buccaneers of a publicity stunt and nothing more.  I felt sick inside.  

Not because I felt the comments could be true.  But simply that people like this ruin a moment of happiness for those who deserve to feel ‘on top of the world’ even if only for a little while.     What good does it do to bring such negative thoughts into this situation?  Why make Eric LeGrand think even for a moment that his NFL Dream, that was made a reality- even if under these circumstances- were anything less than awesome?  Does it make you feel good to steal his thunder or doubt the motivations of what may be just a selfless gesture?  Who are you to judge? Who are you to accuse? 

People like you-  must have a really hard time believing that anyone ever does anything just simply “out of the kindness of their heart”  and what an extremely lonely and depressing life you must live. 

and on the other side of the coin… lets just say.. for a second..  it was a selfish publicity stunt.    If it made Eric shine on a day he really needed it… why the hell would you want to mess with that?

so many things have changed. Life has happened. and.. so.. much more.  I want to be able to trust in myself and my emotions .. my heart has burned me so many times…  but I have learned so much and through that, I have grown into who I am.  I have found peace in who I am, where I am.. and dare I say.. in someone else.  Profoundly so.  I haven’t a clue what to make of it.  I feel like my senses are colliding into the strangest sensation of  “IS”

I need to explore these thoughts.. these dreams- and continue on this journey of new awareness.  Its a complete comfortable mindfuck of sorts. I am intrigued to the infinite power. 

Right now?  Perfect.

I received a phone call yesterday from a placement agency in my area. The gentleman said he found my resume online (probably CareerBuilder.com ) and would like to speak to me about my skillset and my availability.   We discussed in detail my entire resume and he asked if I would be available the following day (today) for an interview.

We scheduled the interview for this morning and I began my ritual of preparations.  Selecting a suit, printing my resume and references, getting a good nights sleep.. etc (Ok so I didn’t really get a good nights sleep, but who can when you are trying to find a job!!)

I woke up this morning feeling great.  This is a 100% improvement from how I felt yesterday so I thought “Great sign!”

My GPS had a hard time finding the office I was supposed to be at, but thankfully since I am neurotic about leaving WAYY too early, I showed up on time.   The awesome thing about this place?  I didn’t have to fill out the form with my career history AGAIN.  I just had to attach my resume. WTG guys!

I wasn’t immediately called back for my interview so I was able to observe what was going on in the office.  One woman who came in just before me was called back for an interview with the same person I was to interview with- but came out in less than 5 minutes.  Wow.

Well,  now it was my turn.  I went  back and discussed again, in detail each of my previous jobs.  The ‘agent’ interviewing me seemed very pleased with my experience.  He then went on to tell me that they had a position they think would be a fit for me.  This position was with a ‘Local search engine’ he said.  I would be selling their services and since I have extensive experience with search engine optimization AND with sales, he thinks I would be perfect for it.

The pay was a little lower than I needed, but I was open to discussion because if the position proved to be something that would result in job stability and room for growth, I may be able to make some sacrifices.  I need to find a job after all.  So he went into a little more detail talking about the name of the company and the position available.

I was a little off put here because I had never heard of this company.  Knowing what I know about search engines, what good would it be to sell advertising on a product that quite possibly no one uses?

I accepted the suggestion of an onsite interview and planned to hear from the agent later today, until I got home and did a little research myself.  Now, I wasn’t specifically looking for negative press, I was actually just looking to get some information about the company.  What I found was unbelievable.  Page after page of complaints stating the product was a complete scam. (insert sadface here!!)

I wrote the agent back and told him I had to respectfully decline the interview because of what I had found. I made sure to tell him that I was not specifically looking for negative press- but just for any information at all about the company and every page I found offered link upon link of pages full of complaints- and technical detail about how the product itself is a scam.

Now, I am not good at cold calling as it is, but I can do anything if it is a product I believe in.  But selling a product I know has been reported as a scam, and I even fully understand the technology behind the scam?  That?  I can’t do.  What a let down.  I thought for sure this one had promise.

I know I answered the questions well, and I did everything I could imagine to the best of my ability, I just left feeling.. stale. Even with a reference, I don’t think this one is going to turn out very well. Again, a great company- with great benefits and perfect hours…

I am supposed to hear back from them this week. It would be a fantastic position to get into… we will see…

I think before first contact, I had submitted 50+ resumes. It isn’t something as simple as forwarding your resume to a bunch of email addresses. It is a lot more extensive than that- at least if you want to find a decent job it is.

For the first few weeks of my search I would spend time on career websites trying to filter through the scam jobs or things I would not in any way be qualified for. (I am certainly not going to be applying to work as an auto mechanic or a dental assistant or some other position that would waste my time and the time of the person searching through the endless stack of resumes submitted to them-and for which I had ZERO qualifications.)

When I would find a job posting that seemed even somewhat relevant to my skillset I would dig a little further to see if this would be an opportunity for me.  From there,  I would click the ‘apply’ button.  Sometimes this would result in a window for me to simply copy and paste my resume and cover letter in to, and that was that.  However, most of the time this was not the case.  Usually it would take me to a corporate careers page within the company domain and I would first have to submit my resume in Word format, and then proceed to manually enter my complete career history followed by a battery of questions, tests, and skills pages.

More often than not, the career site I ended up on would be powered by Taleo,  a “Talent Management”  software.  So, while this meant I became overly familiar with the format of each ‘application’ process- it made the job that much more tedious.   Don’t get me wrong, kudos for the Taleo team, it is a great piece of software..  it just stinks when you are looking as hard as I am for work to have to re-enter all of your information in the exact same format 9billion times.   It would be fantastic if you could save your information in their database and import it into each company website when you choose to apply…

So.. about a month into my search I received an Email from a company wanting me to schedule an onsite test and interview.  I immediately responded and set up the meeting for the soonest possible date they had available.

I went in and took the test- which was also part of Taleo it seemed…  most of the questions were basic literacy..  or to test your listening skills..  I passed with flying colors…  so the recruiter offered me an interview immediately or to schedule one for a later time, whichever worked for me.  I accepted the immediate option.

After our interview full of “What would you do ifs”  The recruiter- David told me he was very interested in placing me and would like me to finish up with speaking to a floor manager and again offered immediate or later scheduling.  Again I chose immediate.  (this was going on a 4 hour interview)

I met with the floor manager and we went over some of the same questions David and I spoke about and talked a little bit about the specifics of the job.  It was very exciting and we were both looking forward getting the ball rolling on my placement.  From there I was told I should be receiving a phone call regarding the opportunity within a few days.

The very next day I did receive a phone call and was given more information about the position and was asked to consent to a background check and drug test.  I did to both, and immediately drove down to take the drug test.

A few days later all of the screening was complete and I received a phone call saying that the company was very interested in hiring me but the training class was full.  At this time they would like to make me a contingent offer.  This means I had an offer for employment contingent upon someone not showing up for class.   I accepted the offer and waited…  in the meantime I had previously applied for more than one position within the company and had heard back from the other, for the same interview/test.

I did not have to retest since the positions were very similar, and I had already passed all of the screening, I just simply had to interview with another floor manager.  That interview went FANTASTIC.  A few days later I received a call about the first position.  The class was full and they did not need me.

The following day, I received another call.  They would like to offer me a position…  (she paused) but the class is full and…  (same situation) and I accepted… hoping that I would get a  chance this time.  A month later I received a call making sure I was still able to attend class if someone did not show up, and I told them yes, that I am still available.    Two days later, I received the dreaded call that the class was indeed full but they would keep my resume on file for future classes, but they had none scheduled at this time.

I am thrilled that I am in their file for a future hiring possibility as I REALLY want to work for this company.. I am just a little let down that I did not make the cut for two of their classes.  I check their website daily for any new postings that may come up in hopes that something will be scheduled soon.

Why did I want to work there so bad? Well, everyone in the office seemed happy to be there, and I know (through my research) that it is a great company to work for.  There is plenty of room for growth and certainly stability for longevity.  The hours offered were fantastic – a Monday – Friday position working the morning shift and the salary was just enough for me to stay afloat.  I really thought this was it.

So, I can start with this…

Some of the company names I will keep private as there is still an ongoing relationship and possible employment opportunity there.. while others I may mention directly. Just wanted to throw that disclaimer in there.

I have been searching actively for work since mid November… when I was let go from my position at Verizon. My dismissal was a complete shock to me and my managers, but it is what it is. I have great references from all of my previous managers as well as a very versatile resume with a good job history.

Taking all of that into consideration, I did not think that finding work would be as seemingly impossible as it has been, even knowing how the economy is at this point. Boy was I wrong…

I would be a liar if I didn’t say that being unemployed scares the hell out of me.. and it breaks my heart that it is just before Christmas.. But I know I have to have faith that things will work themselves out as long as I keep on trying with everything that I have.

The only way to fail is to stop trying right? Well I can’t give up. My boys count on me. I can not let them down. I just can’t.

Trying so hard to resonate love regardless of what life hands me.

I have cut myself off from everything but work and home, for the most part. Some of my friends have understood, while some took it personal and lashed out. My kids come first. I know my son does not think so, and he thinks that I have always put others before them, but this just isn’t so, and I imagine, is his addiction talking.

We have tried therapy, we have tried medication, rehab, Church, nothing seems to reach him and eventually he just refuses to go. Our entire family has tried in one way or another, to help. My brother moved us away from where we used to live, to a new neighborhood- over two years ago.. to give us a fresh start. My Andrew is brilliant, when he applies himself. Eventually he just stopped.

Today, he quit his job because he does not want to face his uncles inquiry regarding his drug use. The job his uncle gave him when he quit school. A good job in marketing, but all of his coworkers have said he seems rather lethargic and much like a zombie at work.. and he never seems to have any money, though he has no bills to pay.

I suppose I am as much to blame as I have been pretty sure he was using again, and I did nothing about it. I take that back, I did try to talk to him. I have offered to help in any way that he needs to be helped.. but I really don’t know what else I can do at this point, but cry my eyes out and pray.

So now, I am sitting on my bed- the first day of my vacation.. in tears… reading through text messages being called cold hearted because I don’t have time to spend working on relationships or friendships. I am so drained. My fathers health isn’t good, my mother is really stressed and in need of comfort and peace.. my brother has tried so hard to help my son… and I… I just feel really … alone.

We have really become a mother son duo who can count on one another with the right words when we need them. More on this later. He is standing here waiting for food. Thats my cue..

I thought I met someone fantastic… though it was seemingly very short lived.  What a bittersweet emotion.  The joy of intrigue and connection and the sadness of loss all at once.  I really can’t explain it..

hah and I run out of words again.

Entirely too many thoughts that I really can’t put into words.  I think I have lost my touch.

…and then things started getting weird. A few weeks back, while at work.. my face and hands went completely numb. When I looked up at the queue to call the next name, I couldn’t make out what I was looking at. When I would look at faces, it was as if someone forgot to give them features… I could see people… there were no black holes.. but I could not process eyes, noses, mouths… and in the back of my mind, I could feel a dull ache.

I believe it was at that point, I went to my boss and tried my best to explain what I was experiencing and walked to his office to sit in the quiet. I had some water, and tried to regain some focus but it just wasn’t happening. From what I recall, I called my brother and told him I couldn’t see, and needed a ride home. He was busy doing something so I called Ray. Or maybe I sent him a txt… or actually I think Erin sent him one… I dont remember but I know he is the one who showed up to get me.

My eyes must have been watering because Ray jokes that I looked like Alice Cooper.. But I don’t really recall the details. I know I came home and slept for a good number of hours.

I haven’t felt 100 percent since then.

a couple weeks ago, I woke up at some point- crying in agony. My shoulder was slightly dislocated and my jaw was clinched so tight it hurt. I was very lost… after straightening my shoulder and taking something to put myself to sleep… and waking up later.. I knew I was postictal. ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Postictal_state )

It was a couple days before I had my bearings somewhat back in order. Again, I am still not 100% .
I have had a very hard time concentrating, and words dont seem to process right. In my head, they seem right, but they certainly don’t come out in the right order- and sometimes words elude me entirely. Simple words..

I don’t know where I put something five minutes after I put it somewhere. I make lists to keep track of things, and lose the lists. I get overwhelmed in situations that require attention.. I set reminders and ignore or cancel them and my shoulder still hurts!! Two days ago, just listening to myself try to have a conversation was a struggle.. broken sentences and incomplete thoughts.. I felt distracted by my own confusion, it has been frustrating.

I have always been fascinated, and driven by brain power. Functional thought processes, contemplative creative writing, expression.. etc. So something like this… that might take this away from me or make me incompetent – or struggle so hard just to find words to explain how I feel- where they used to flow like liquid from my lips and fingertips.. scares the everliving fucking hell out of me.

It has taken sooo much focus and forced discipline to be able to write THIS post.. and it has been in segments. I feel weak..shakey.. and stupid. and fucking scared.

Yes, I called my doctor. Yes, I have seen him. (My neurologist) and Yes we are looking into this. What a nightmare it has been to make sure I schedule all of these tests. I feel so stupid.

Yesterday I completed some basic mental/physical exercises .. Today I did blood work to check my medicine levels.. tomorrow is an eeg. Some day next week is my MRI.. I dont remember when but I will call and find out again. I dont know where I put it. and sometime a CT something I dont know. But we are doing a whole battery of tests.

The 26th is when we discuss the results.

For those that DO visit here from time to time, I appreciate your comments… and read them all… Much love to you

Combine that with the struggle of having teenagers. As typical as what I am facing may or may not be- the response that it is the tendency of a teenager to behave in such ways does not lighten the load of bricks when I am left by myself to manage whatever chaos is thrown at me. Knowing I have to do it alone makes it close to fucking unbearable.

The last thing I want to do at this point is approach the friends I do have and confide in them knowing full well this will only distance them further, holding the metaphorical criss-crossed fingers in front of them as one would ward off a vampire. Labeled as drama hurts. Being judged for my limping attempt at motherhood failing increases that pain. Coping with it alone … I have no words for.

It makes me not only feel like I am failing at motherhood, but I am failing at life. I am not good enough not only for my children but as a woman as well.

Sure, sometimes I can find the strength to realize I am better than this… but sometimes.. it just hurts too much.

What irks me (and I am guilty of this myself) is how long it takes to respond to a personal message. I realized this morning that I had inboxes backed up everywhere. Tagged emails with long overdue reminders to reply and notes to write to so and so about this and that.

What have I been filling my time with.. that is SO important that I cant spend five minutes to write a quick note and let those I care about know I care? Have I accomplished world peace? Tripled my salary? fought hunger? No. Have I done anything worth noting that would occupy my time so much as to cause my silence? I cant THINK of anything that stands out. I know that my job is working me to death and my home life does keep me busy.. but I cant imagine there isn’t SOME time in there to share…

I guess I am just sayin’… publicly.. and impersonally… I miss the personal communication.

hey, I never claimed I was good at this.

Love you guys.

I had my tech writing/review blog… my day to day journal of my thoughts over at LJ…

Obviously with all of these .. I couldn’t keep up.. and one by one they all stagnated.. and were abandoned. Not for my lack of desire to write, but to the contrary, I wanted to write so much, I burned myself out. I wasn’t happy just writing reviews.. or just writing for marketing… or.. just.. any of it.. but all of it was just too much…

SO… What now? What direction will this blog take? What will I fill this site with? I have no idea.. I would like to have some sort of format.. some expectation set so that I can gain an audience who knows what to expect here and comes back with interest to read.. but I have yet to decide just what that will be.

I guess this was just a really long post about being undecided as to what to blog about…

reminds me of a typical Seinfeld episode…

The worst part of expressive writing is when your stream of thought is interrupted by word organization. Anyone who writes for release knows what I mean.

You want to create a masterpiece out of your own emotions, perfectly enshrining them in words, paragraphs of empathy, sympathy, pain love and hope.. to share in hope that someone else out there is touched, understands.. relates…

*takes a deep breath*

But if what you create isn’t exactly what you are trying to say, if what is understood isn’t what you desire to express… it can get frustrating.

If you’ve got the climb, but you just can’t pin the chorus… you have the hook and the riff falls flat, the song isn’t complete.

So while I have something I really want to express… I have yet to figure out just how I want to say it.. so instead- I have left you with this..

much ado, I tell you.  Much ado.

Not thinking about anyone in particular.. just the concept that forever never was…

yes… forever never was…

I have noticed it a lot more lately because dealing with what is going on right now is so much more difficult when there is no one to share it all with.. to mull it over with as you lay in the darkness and fall asleep…

fuck you, chicago.

I clicked on my Ubertwitter icon, and nothing happened.  I looked at the status of my connections and to my detriment shockingly i panicked realized that my data connection was lost.

Being a Blackberry user for many years I did the first logical thing, a battery pull.  Three years Three minutes later, my storm was back up and still, no data.

So I sat,  and waited.  With nothing. to. do…

..

…

….

When Craig arrived I checked HIS Blackberry and data was fine.  *pissy exhale*

…and he and I got to discussing…  or rather… reminiscing…

Remember when the only handhelds we had to take with us anywhere were Speak ‘n’ Spell, The little Professor, or Mattel electronic football with the red dashes?

Remember when we had to use PAY phones to get ahold of someone if we were out and about?  If we called and they were on the phone we got an obnoxious busy signal!  (remember emergency breakthroughs?) Oh my god and IMAGINE a world without caller ID!!   “call me. Let it ring twice, then call back so I know it is you”

Oh wow, and Online?  I remember getting made fun of because I logged in.  There were no pictures on ‘web’ pages unless we downloaded them from a BBS.. which took eons… pissed our parents off for tying up the line and when they picked up the other extension to make a call, our connection dropped.

TELEPHONES HAD CORDS!  (sometimes I wish they still did.  Telling someone I have to go because I am headed out the door just does not work like it used to.)  Remember dial tones?

Oh and instant messengers.  When it started, it was split screen chat…  I remember the loose moose BBS…  Wolves Den…  CountZ… Lighthouse.. WWIV and Synchronet…   L.O.R.D and TradeWarz.. we could chat with ONE other person at a time.. leave messages..  and read forums.    When DOVE net came out, we could share forums across other BBS’s …   yeah I am probably getting too techie for some of ya… but I am reminiscing here.  But still, we werent as ‘connected’ as we are now.

I remember when Baudville BBS, Rainforrest and Variations came out… WOW .. MULTInode BBSs…  sometimes there were 20 people online!!!!!  But it was always limited to how many phone lines the owner (sysop) leased.  But you still had to wait and hope that you and your friend would log in at the same time…   and you still had to tie up a phone line to chat.  Oh and if all the phone lines were full, your modem got a busy signal too.  Oh yes. Modems. remember those?  Good ole analog dialup modems.

and there, I sat… at chilis… disappointed that my Cellphone/digital camera/internet connection/file downloader /mp3player device would not connect to the internet so I could check my facebook/twitter.

I wonder where we will be in another twenty years….

Not sure what I am going to do with the rest of my day.  I have pleny of things that need to be done or that I want to get done..  Just not sure if today will be that day.

I hope today is better than yesterday.

I wanted to beleive.  So much, I envied the faith, and the surety and peace believers seemed to emit.. radiate.. gush..  and I am not talking about your typical holiday church goers or self righteous deceptively pious types.  But the true selfless GODLY believers..

I can think of three off of the top of my head.. that I know personally.  No, Probably double that.    Over the last 15 or so years I have been called a pagan, a heathen… whatever..  a non-believer.

For the last 2 or 3, I have become increasingly drawn to ..compelled to…  magnetized to… learning more. Understanding more..  until it sometimes feels like an unquenchable thirst.  I can’t explain it.

I have been gently led to scriptures that relate very specifically to current situations in my life at a given time.  That has given me a deeper understanding where before, I felt as if I were feeling around for a lightswitch when I hadnt even found a wall.

Silly things.. happen…   LaToya praying over my car.. and the massive mysterious leak stops as abruptly as it started.   I dismissed that one.   Michael sending me a text within seconds of me screaming out loud in my car for some kind of connection..  some kind of something.  Chalked it up to coincidence.

But tonight…  when I felt the lowest I have ever felt in my entire life..  when I spent the last six hours in my room crying quietly so my boys wouldnt worry.. my eyes swollen and red.. I pick up the study Bible my cousin Richard bought me two Easters ago.. I hold it close to my chest… and sob… and think in my head… ‘I just can’t do this anymore…’

I decide to read something.. anything..  I needed a distraction.  I open the Bible .. its page 945.  Lamentations.  I already see the ‘humor’. heh.  not really. But I take note.

I had no idea what I was about to read.  I dont know anything about The Book to know where to search for what… or even how to describe what I am feeling to know how to find some sort of relation or even if there IS something in the Bible that might … relate at any given time…

But I read..

I could not have happened upon a better book at this time.. I can not even begin to describe…   and I just let the pages fall open…

I just…

if you are questioning.. if you are curious..  Read the book of Lamentations in the Bible.. you will understand ..

for the first time.. ever.. I am shaken.

i am sure i will suck it up eventually. until then…

Meh.

I know that I used to give my heart too freely. I would allow too many people too close..  have too many friends.. trust too many..  I would end up hurt over and over.. like a line of shannons standing shoulder to shoulder with a firing squad …  ready.. aim..    I did it to myself.

When I realized that, I became more selective..  protective of my .. me.  Nothing changed.. it just took longer to hurt.  Happened les frequently.  With less in the squad.. reloads took longer.

Now.. things have been so quiet, I feel almost desperate for a voice.  I can literally go days.. maybe even weeks.. without a single “hey, how are you?”   Most of my attempts to reach out to others go unanswered. .. Or i feel like i am imposing.

its supposed to get.. easier.. or feel better when you realize you have been self destructive and spend a couple years fixing it.

It felt better when I was being destructive.

at least it wasnt so goddamned quiet.

at least i didnt feel so fucking …    nothing.

“likes the beach, the moon and stares”

What?!?!

I need… something…

I am wearing spots and stripes today.  I am such a rebel.

Sometimes it is hard for me to comprehend that people would continue to want to come here and read my personal thoughts..  I imagine it must get monotonous and boring at some point.  No one  is so interesting that one would want to travel around inside their thoughts are they?

I am simply a woman trying to survive single motherhood, a bad economy,  and a struggle to find spirituality.  Add to that my determination at a healthy mind and a healthy body.. and here I am.

My daily functions are pretty routine and consist of work, taking care of my boys (when they are home) and my home,  Working out in my home gym, or going to the gym across the highway.. and writing.   I really don’t do much else these days. .. and am content with a simple life… for now.

I have been blessed with three healthy amazing sons that I love with all of my heart.  Without them, I am not sure where I would be.  I do know that I have come to crossroads many times in my life where I had a decision to make.  One road lead me down a path of hedonistic living and risktaking.. the other, an uphill march in responsibility.   Without my boys I surely would have taken the former and I would be really scared to know where I would be right now in my life.

Unfortunately the amount of pain my son is going through, and the lashing out at me .. and the little to no emotional support I have going on living in my own quiet little world leaves me very weary.   I want to find the strength to absorb the light and peace.. instead I find myself with clenched fists screaming at the sky “What is going on?”

Sometimes I feel like I am such a work in progress- with so much repair and such needed that God has little time for me…

And writing that makes me feel like some sort of emo-tragic pathetic case of drama.  Is that what I am becoming now?  am I really pedaling backward?  No. these are just my private thoughts..   Really, I just want to make sense of this stirring, this feeling.. this almost awakening.. but every time I get close I get lost in the dark again.   I dont get it.

we are in now.  I think Ive forgotten the notes to this song..

what happened to my balance?

..allegro.. con calore.. molto Prestossimo

The conductor has stepped down…

…ad libitum..

articulation is lost.. complete atonality..

//

Restring. Retune. Refine. Resound

CON SPIRITO.. CON SPIRITO!!!!

con spirito?

‘Spoke’ to Clint for a bit..  its been a while! *insert stupid giggle here*

Tried to get off work in time to have dinner with a friend but that didn’t turn out in my favor.  shit happens, eh?  11 hours no break.

Skyler seemed to think He was doing a photoshoot While I was getting ready for work, so I promised him I would post a picture somewhere on the net…. this seems the most logical place.. no one comes here.

edit: ok I was testing out the photo thing and for some reason I posted 2 pics here.   Odd.

edit part duex:  I will try to take random pics from time to time and make use of this feature.

See how boring today was?

Brilliance…. bonds.. blurs and breaks borders .. happy haiku hovering hopelessly discovers.. dips.. dances and dives.

Curious questions quietly culminating quest for knowledge.. forever forgotten feeling forever found, forever ‘gotten  and standing ground

innocent ideas instigate intensified intrusive idioms..

reaching resisting recoiling rebound.. defaning whisper then silence resound…  Brilliance..  bonds..broken.. did the dumb hum dissuade you?

dig deeper..digging.. developing.. drumming.. a rythm .. humming.. dont despair.. dont dissuade.. dont disappear.. discover.

discover.. depth..

Somewhere caught between infallibility and skepticism at tongues of others, I become dizzied into perpetual confusion and stand with my feet dug into the sand.  Searching for spirituality in a pool of bitter, sun-dried self-righteous contradictions leaves me feeling like the gull that landed in the oil spill who forgot which direction is up.

With broken wings, I would settle for nearby warmth as I would mend myself, hoping that emptiness could somehow become grandeur, but you really cant make something without some kind of substance.

To this day I will never understand why it took so many attempts for me to realize this.

After clawing at the clouds from beneath the sea, winding up with fists full of shell, sand and water- I realize these things only translate into half of a language, and it isn’t one I am fluent in.

Six years ago, I was told I am a square peg hovering over a round hole that I will never fit into. I never understood how or why.. Every time I met a kindred, they were on their way somewhere…in a holding pattern here preparing to fly, blast off, warp speed- whatever it took to leave this shriveled salty dreamless place behind.

Those that remained seemed to forget how to dream. Saying that dreamers never get anything done and that playing with the cards you are dealt- and working.. working hard..working harder.. is the only way to make sure things happen.

But what things?

Mediocrity?
Robotic functionality without a soul or a spirit?

I have lost my way one too many times. Can a place really suck you so deep that the sky is out of reach? It seems that those with heart, a spirit, a soul, a dream.. all gravitate together- away from here.

Whats left?

Those of us treading water, chasing the passions from afar. The rest screaming in our ear to wake the fuck up, that we are fooling ourselves into thinking there is something more. To learn to think like they do. To forget how to fly. To stand grounded on two feet and march. Like a nightmare out of Equilibrium.

Not very long ago, I heard a bird chirping in the far distance..little sounds that reminded me that my spirit is still alive inside somewhere. I started revisiting my dreams on paper. I picked up The Book that gives all of this purpose. Reason. result.

I skimmed through the dusty pages. The Book of purpose that gives my book of dreams- hope.
And then that bird became a voice, that voice.. a song.

And tears.. so many tears. Tears of happiness, tears of pain. What would I not give to be able to go back in time and put this song in my pocket so many years ago.

Now, I have to figure out how to fly again. Before I lose sight of the sky and let my spirit slip away..

Before they tell me what a fool I am for dreaming again. Before they try to drown my breath of hope with their so called logic.

How do I get out of this cage. How do I free myself from this place…. How?

To open my eyes to an entirely new process that I have felt deep inside for so long but never had any kindred to share it with.. I can’t pretend anymore. I cant just go through the motions.

It is killing my spirit more and more every day.

How can I fly.. How can I fly..

Trying to keep things I don’t want to happen- at bay. This is harder than I imagined- especially when third parties are involved… even with all of the careful and strategic planning it could turn out to be a nightmare for us.

I really hope it was nothing. I hope I never hear word of it again. I have tried too hard to make sure this DOES NOT HAPPEN over the last damn near 10 years.

So today.. to boil it down to one or two sentences.. Things I want to happen aren’t and things I don’t want to happen- very well may be.

Time to do a few miles.. think… This is still the beginning.

And without warning, without a plan or a script… out of nowhere.. a simple bit of reassurance, a reminder of
the journey I begun a long time go… the light.. the sound.. the hello…

It has been a long time since I have wept like this. God did not leave me behind. I just couldn’t figure out how
to open my eyes and look around me. I didn’t know the right places to look… Looking in the wrong places can
definitely set you back a good deal…

I suppose its a good thing when ‘the right places’ find ME– fully armed with light, sound…and compassion…
It is very difficult to explain going from emptiness to awakening in what feels like seconds…

Where normally, words are my strength… I have none. I can only know that I am alive. I am NOT forgotten
and this is a very good beginning..and cry.

….no destination in mind. Just walking. I don’t remember where I started..
not sure where I’m going. What I do know is… somewhere… out there…
awaits my destiny. My life. The meaning. The truth.

The Me.

I continue walking along… creating my path. I am comfortable in my
nakedness. I feel the leaves crackle beneath my feet. It is autumn.
Wherever I am. A light breeze blows occasionally.. reminding me of my
physical existence. I am lost within myself.

I stop.. kneel down.. and pick up a leaf. Looking at this wonderous
creation I am now holding, painted of reds and oranges and yellows..
by the Great Mother Earth herself. For some reason I am drawn to this
leaf and decide to keep it. Putting the leaf into my hair, I continue
along my path.

Soft raindrops begin to fall and I twirl around dancing in the tears
from the sky… soothing as they fall against my naked skin… I continue
walking.

I come upon a large rock, Intrigued by its powerful presence, I begin
to climb. The Rock is about the height of myself, and again.
Once on top of the rock, I stand… looking around. Seeing further
than I could before. I can see the sun setting in the horizon. I
can see leaves in many hues of red and orange. I feel total comfort.
I learn.

I step down from the rock… still walking, I come upon a body of water.
Slowly, peacefully, I step into the water. I walk. I walk so far into
the water, my feet lose contact with the ground. . . I begin to swim.

Swimming farther, growing tired, I begin to float on my back.
Resting my tired muscles and bones… feeling the trusted water
surround me. gazing up at the dusky sky.

I reach the other side of the body of water. Someone or something
is here. I feel its existence… but I see nothing. Sight… my
eyes seem to have eluded me. I call out “aye!” but there is no
response. I hear no voice.. no beastly sound… nothing.

yet my instinct… deep inside… I know something or someone is
here with me. I feel it walk with me. Though I can not see,
something inside me knows direction. I begin to feel as if I am
carrying a weight twice that of my own. I am beginning to find it
harder to walk in the direction my body wants to take me…
Losing ground of where I am… I begin to weep.

Seeing a faint haze before me, I realize that it is not my
eyes that have eluded me, but a darkness that has enveloped me.
Again I feel the soft breeze against my nakedness as my tears
slowly fall. Growing tired, and still unaware of where I am, I
curl up to sleep.

Expecting the sun of dawn when I awaken from my slumber, I am
at a loss when I open my eyes to more darkness. Again I call
out “aye!” … Still nothing.

I walk… But this time, I let the darkness lead me. Soon, I
forget the light… the rock… the leaf… I become more
comfortable in the darkness. I move lazily. Letting this
other existence have its way choosing my direction. my
path. my destiny.

I only exist now. Thoughts, Ideas, passions… a faint memory.
Dreams are nothing but a fairy tale. The darkness has taught
me new dreams. Smothered my own. Convinced that I need not worry.
I need not call out. darkness will take care of everything.

Existence seems to have changed me… no more do I see the
lovely hues in the trees. No more do I feel the soft sprinkle
of raindrops. No more am I comfortable in my nakedness. I
cover myself with the leaves and brush… whatever is around
me. Even in this darkness, I feel humility, I feel shame.
I feel small. unimportant. Enveloped in such a strong existence,
yetI have never felt more alone.

Reaching up, I feel the leaf. Reminding me of my journey. My destiny.

I weep.

The basic attraction meter can be tilted by a hot body and a pretty boy face… or an older distinguished gentleman…ala Sean Connery But for a woman, does this not pretty much equal the standard ‘fuckable’ quotient? Seriously though.. What really gets me sitting on the edge of my seat daydreaming about fully taking advantage of being a woman in my late 30s? When listening to Trent Reznor growl about pleasing me old school animal kingdom style doesn’t do it for me anymore… what is Hot? What can hold my attention like the carrot before the horse?

Well, it is really a combination of qualities that need to be attained to cause the needle to reach the red zone.. Each quality can range from being painfully low.. to achingly hot..er high.. as long as the combination or ‘gross’ quota results in an awakening… we are good.

Looks. Looks are important, to a degree. If you want an instant attraction, maybe a short lived physical rendezvous.. (dont count on these, XX chromosome carriers are unpredictable here- We tend to be turned off by those seeking a random available leg to mount and hump so if this is you, automatically remove a couple points from your gross quotient, .. unless we are in rebound mode.. then.(blanket female statement here). well none of this applies.. but be ready for a rollercoaster with a lot of good sex and very little emotional obligation on OUR end)… But if you are hot enough.. and your body is rockin’ .. we might kid ourselves to believe we attracted right off the bat.. But without a little bit from other categories, this MAY end up being one of those.. ‘I am just not as attracted as I thought, cant we just be friends?’ relationships.. and by friends I mean you may be called upon to answer a late night need for .. attention.. once in a great while… maybe not..

Hygiene. This quality is important regardless and must be at max capacity. We understand that you are burping, farting harry chest beating men but if you have poor hygiene.. it brings nearly EVERY other attribute down to roughly 30 percent of its actual value. Take a shower. use soap.. Brush your teeth. Wear deodorant.. Lotion is ok for men, I promise.. cologne is nice.. make an effort.. some men go above and beyond with this.. mani-pedis.. waxing, etc. this is all good.. and some of the extras may even boost other areas..(extra credit points are always good right?) just don’t ask to borrow my heels and we are good.

Charm… this one can be used to boost an otherwise imbalanced or insufficient level of any of the other qualities but can not be a quality in and of itself. If you are charming but have poor hygiene and aren’t very smart.. even our best intentions wont get you very far..

I suppose the most important part.. the toe curling mouth watering attraction.. in my case.. would have to be brain function.. yeah.. IQ is hot. Maybe I should be stalking the local Mensa chapter.. Maybe I should visit the bookstore more often. I don’t know. But If you peered in on my personal life you might find that I tend to gravitate toward and hold on to those with intellect smarter than your average bear. My best friend is brilliant.. all my female friends rate high in functioning brain matter.. its just.. what I like.

So.. truly.. I guess this whole ‘article’ boils down to this.. If you are hot.. that might earn you a few points.. If you have money.. that might earn you a few more. but neither of those can sustain any sort of ongoing attraction. But if you can have a deep conversation and be world smart.. we are off to a great start.

But if you don’t know what a bar of soap is, even if you are Bill Gates, I wouldn’t enjoy sleeping with you. (hey, I said I wouldnt LIKE it, not that I wouldnt do it.. hell everyone has their price… *i kid, I kid* )

Yeah see what happens when I am bored on my day off?

Funny, that I always feel like I have something I want to write about.. but never seem to find the time to write anything at all..

Perhaps sharing my thoughts/feelings/emotions/et al.. isnt as relevant as I would like to think it is anyway. I mean who REALLY finds the time to read it, and whos life does it really affect in the larger scheme of things?

I am not the type of person to bask in self glorification.. quite the contrary usually..

and here I am trying to disect the reason why I am sitting here right now typing this blog… or any blog for that matter… when it started out explaining why I tend to neglect doing that very same thing.

What a confusing and pointless post this is…

I am typing in circles… I will have three shots of espresso please?

Been creating some marketing strategy for the Fido store as well. It is cool to be able to be a part of something like that- I like coming up with cool ideas .. this one is going to take some heavy thinking for me

My personal professional venture was well received when I presented the mockup to my ‘focus group’ so I think I may be going ahead and investing in the digital resume concept there as well. Lots going on. Lots going on.

Friday I will be saying Goodbye in a manner of speaking.. to a great leader and a wonderful friend. No he didnt pass away.. he is leaving the company .. on to bigger better things. Hopefully that will open some windows/doors of opportunity as this merger sqeezes in on us..

It has been one hell of a week.